I don't know what I am looking for.
Really.
Why do we (women though I don't know if it's right to assume we all have the same traits) always want to feel secure over a relationship? I mean isn't cuddling, kissing and hugging enough? Why is there a need to hear your significant other say 'I love you'... 'You're everything to me' and more?
Isn't it obvious? Can we not see or feel it when we're with them? Why the need to hear it? Why do I need to hear it from him? Can I not feel it?
Action speaks louder than words because words can fail you but the hug, the kiss and intensity of your passion can't be faked.
Why can't I understand that he chose me? He chose to stay with me, be by my side.
Am I really that naive that he has to profess his love for me every single day? Can I not feel or see that when he wakes me up in the morning because I'm too lazy to get up? Can I not feel it when he cooks for my lunch early in the morning because I forgot to cook last night?
Rob's dad passed away last March 10. He was suppose to go home. Their PRO (the one who takes care of processing visas, employment contracts, etc) had suggested that they cancel his visa so that it would be easy for him to go and they will just issue him a new one when he's on his way back. He was told that this process would take 2-3 months or longer.
We've discussed it. I want him to go (translation: I don't want him to go) because it's been two years and this is his father's death so he needs to go. Even if I don't want him to, I know he needs to pay his last respect for his dad.
I've arranged everything. About the rent, other expenses, our monthly remittances and all that. However, I can't help but cry. True, we've survived one year being apart and people think if we were able to do that, we can do it again.
Then, he told me he already made up his mind. He decided to stay.
He opted to send money because there were a lot of bills waiting to be paid (e.g the funeral service, the casket, etc) and advise his family of the complications if he was to go home. They understood.
And now, I question him if he loves me? Do you think I need to be slapped or punched to understand what he has done for me? 
Yes! Everybody... I am now part of the Voluptous Circle (If there is one). I had this realization just yesterday when I was going over my 'usual wardrobe' aka 'sort of office attire.'
I was quietly looking through my things yet Rob, as usual, opened an eye to check if I'm dressed to go and like routine, he checked the watch and told me ,"Babe, your service is coming. You better move!" After that, he covered himself up with the sheets, rolled over and slept like a baby.
I didn't want to be in a hurry because I think I'm going to have a 'bitch fit' (phrase courtesy of the movie White Chicks) if I reach the office on a totally unfashionable state (though really, nobody notices what I wear like if they match or not but i decided to practice glamour and style) and because I was in my 'irritating self' because I knew my period was coming.
I took one blouse over the other, still undecided... Then I found my white blouse with green floral prints all over. Now's the time to wear this, I told myself. I immediately got dressed but when I was about to button the blouse.... I can't. I tried for I think 4 times before I've finally given up. How could that be? It was just six months ago when I bought that back home?
6:35.
I need to get dressed. I yanked my white shirt and black tank top. I was still wondering how in the world can it not fit me? From the time I came here, people would tell me I look thin that I need to gain some weight because my cheeks looked like I was sucking them to look thin.
I took their advice and now, I'm fat.
Rob said that I'm not fat, I'm healthy though he said if I plan to take 'one of those' diets I do, I should couple it with exercise.
That's a problem. I'm not an exercise type of person. Aaaarrrgghh.
Still bothered, when I arrived in the office, I took a picture of myself. I am fat. My cheeks are like those small Chinese buns you see at Binondo.
I'm depressed.
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Conversations with my fave cousin
Cuz: Hey! how are you?
Me: Ok. Hey, can I send you my pics and can you tell me if I look fat.
Cuz: Ok
(Me, sorting out my photos and sending her the latest photo I personally took)
Me: Ok. It's sent.
Cuz: Got it. Wait.
Me: Ok (background: she tells me honestly if I look good or not)
Cuz: In fairness, you look cute in these photos (smile)
Me: Really? Do I look fat?
Cuz: A bit.
Me: Is it obese fat or healthy fat?
Cuz: Healthy.
Me: Really? With a little style?
Cuz: Yup! Finally (I can imagine she was rolling her eyes and saying 'Halleluiah"). And Rob looks good!
Me: Really? (my heart was doing flipflops when she said that)
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Ok. So maybe I am fat but it's 'healthy fat' and seriously, I might consider giving exercise a try. Rob says he feels great after a gym workout. Might do the works for me and maybe erase depression in my vocabulary.
(This was taken when we were at the Global Village. We're in the Africa Kenya booth looking at some of their figurines. We bought two actually.)
See I'm not depressed anymore!!!
After reading a couple of blogs (my morning routine), I got stuck with one blog – janeca’s.
It was the thought of her blog that struck me and made me think about it over the weekend. 
When I was about six years old, I dreamed of being a nun. Always holding the Bible on one hand, I would also put the ever-reliable ‘Good Morning’ towel on my head to make me look like a nun.
I would read passages of the Bible to my mom, my dad, my aunts and my uncles. They would ask me why I wanted to be a nun… I would reply because I like to be Mother Mary. Of course, they never took me seriously and just let me be.
Two years after, I wanted to be a doctor. My mom encouraged the idea. She even bought me these ‘I want to be a doctor’ toys. My cousin and I would play until our siesta time and play it again when we wake up.
However, after a year, I grew tired of playing doctor and decided I want to be an office girl (immediately after watching ‘Working Girls’ starred by Gina Pareno, Dina Bonnevie and Carmi Martin). My cousin and I transformed our room into an office with my brother as our car (poor Rondon!). 
We write things and held meetings (sometimes since we have no boss, we gave this role to my brother. He was our manager/CEO/owner of the company – of course, he preferred this role rather than be a car).
We stopped our role-playing game when we began to be loaded with homework, cheerleading practice, extra-curricular activities, etc.
Then… boom.
I wanted to be a writer. I read books (I was a Mills & Boons/ Sweet Valley Kids, SVT, SVH/Sweet Dreams/Sidney Sheldon baby) even if it was already 4 am. Aside from that, I’d type and type short stories on our rusty typewriter.
I think my dad pitied me because about a month, he bought our cousin’s typewriter.
I would type my short stories (a.k.a. Sweet Dreams – Rach’s versions) or sometimes, I would type what I generally feel that day or write a book review (of Sidney Sheldon).
That was the ambition I had carried on until now – to be a writer (well, another dream I had was to be like Jullie Yap-Daza but I knew I was not TV material).
I struggled when I was in college to be good. Some criticisms were ok and others were stabbing me from the back (Damn that person! Will never forget that!), I still tried.
After college, I decided to put writing on the backseat so I could help the family… However, I would still read and read. I’ve decided to make use of what I have studied so I quit my job and luckily I got in a PR firm.
The owner was impressed but when she saw my ‘raw work’ she immediately told me, (over the phone) that my work was trash!
Ugh! I thought of giving up writing and do something else, I was not prepared for rejection. Not. But instead I hang on to her and in return she gave us pieces of advice on what not to do and what to do.
It helped me.
Now, I’m a secretary (where did that come from?) but I still want to be a writer that’s why I’m maintaining this blog to realize my dream.
And I know, I can be one. Just wait for me.